Taking Back Control From A Troubled Teen

Taking back control from a troubled teen is designed to put you back in the driver’s seat, not only to manage, but to assist in your child’s healing process. Defiance is one of many symptoms that an out of control child displays. It’s utterly frustrating when every request is followed by a “no”, ignoring you entirely, a vulgar outburst, a tantrum, physical harm to self or others –- and the list goes on, depending on the specific child.

There are some basic fundamentals of working with misbehaving children, regardless of whether there are any diagnosed conditions. I have been able to build effective relationships with children, because I was a wild kid, and if it wasn’t for loving and understanding parents with lots of patience, I probably would have ended up on meds and/or in residential treatment or, in those days, the dreaded “reform school”.

But it is precisely because of this emotional turmoil and roller coaster ride, that I am able to put myself in a child’s emotional shoes, and over time gain an understanding of what they are experiencing, as well as establish a level of trust and rapport.

My Best Teacher

Over the years, the defiant child has been my best teacher. Children have the unique knack of finding every emotional button that exists within your system, and then relentlessly pushing each and every one of them. They definitely are not shy about doing this. But as I look back, I am extremely grateful, as this has brought a lot of my own stuff to the surface to be examined, and dealt with consciously.

Some Basic Fundamentals• BE the person you want your child to BE.• There’s no such thing as “hopeless”.• Separate the child from the behavior.• Accept your child where he or she currently is, and begin the healing from there.• Speak to their values, not yours.• Learn to be the “calm” within the storm.

• Understand that super seriousness doesn’t help matters.• Keep your eye on the Big Picture.• Vary your tone of voice depending on the situation.• Always consider the setting.• Safety and supervision always come first.• There are times when a tantrum is a good thing.

• Pick your battles to maximize your effectiveness.• A good sense of humor will definitely help your cause.• Learn to trust your intuition.• Cultivate patience and your ability to seize the “window of opportunity”.• What your child doesn’t say can be the key that unlocks the mystery.• Learn to leave the past behind. There are good things to be said about amnesia.

• Appreciate the value of commitment in the healing process.• Understand that there are no “magic bullets”, and there will be setbacks.• Be compassionate with yourself and your children.• “Punt & Regroup”: Learn to take your own time-outs.

These are some of the basic concepts and ideas to keep in mind as you review this website. I will be adding more substance and detail on other pages of this site. The bottom line is that your love for your child will get you through the most difficult times, as long as you have a viable game and safety plan in place.

The structure of this plan is paramount, but within that structure there is plenty of room for innovation and individualized implementation. Setting up a win-win scenario for all parties involved will lead to creative and productive interactions with the most troubled teen. So stop walking on egg shells and let the healing begin. Click here to return from Troubled Teen to the Transforming Child Behavior Home page.

When done reviewing Troubled Teen, click here to return to the Manage Care page.

SBI!