Managing Anger: Question?

How do I help my son control his angry outbursts?

It’s important to address an anger issue as soon as possible, because it can easily escalate into violence. It also has a negative impact on our health, which can result in high blood pressure, heart conditions, ulcers, or headaches. When a person complains a lot or is depressed, there is a high likelihood of suppressed anger.

Redirect The Energy

Anger is a form of energy, and when properly directed, can actually assist us in facing many challenges in life. It can inspire creative acts, and get things done. It can get us out of a depressed state, and alert us to danger.

To begin the process of managing anger and redirecting our energy into productive channels, we must be truthful, and admit that we are angry. We can then analyze our anger, and determine if our anger is appropriate.

Next is to deal with our anger with acceptance if it is a situation we cannot change (that’s when controlling our temper by relaxing and taking a deep breath is important), or if we have been treated unfairly we can use our alertness and adrenaline to explore opportunities and possibilities. We use anger as our ally by focusing on solutions, and managing anger in creative ways.

When children are used to getting their own way, just the introduction of a chores chart can set them off. When we are affected by emotional or traumatic situations, we learn to react in certain ways for safety and survival. This results in habitual patterns, and neural pathways being created in our brain, which makes it that much easier to react the same way the next time. We are then on autopilot, and easily triggered by our environment.

Over time we can reprogram our child with more life enhancing habits. It’s a matter of being consistent in holding our child accountable for their behavior, so that they learn to take responsibility. There will be resistance at first, but by being consistent with our directives, change will occur over time.

With young children, using strategies such as behavior bucks to reward good behavior works well, as long as it is tied into some type of reward that is meaningful to the child. Managing anger is more of an art form than anything else.

There is also chronic anger, where anger has become our default reaction to life. Most anything will trigger it. In these cases we must admit we are an angry person, and know that we can change. By realizing that whoever angers us, controls us, we can then choose to take responsibility for how we feel. We finally realize that in the majority of cases anger is a choice. And so is managing anger.

Steps To Dealing With And Transforming Anger

When our child is caught up in a bout of anger, there are a few things we can do. But first and foremost we must ensure the safety and supervision of our child. Here are a few strategies to managing anger in our children:

1. Change your focus- when working with kids provide a distraction that will break their current focus, and get them thinking about and/or involved in something else. I have done this with young kids having a tantrum.

2. Change the setting- if you are in your home, get your child outside and allow him or her to let off steam, and then talk about their frustrations.

3. Movement helps- taking a walk or doing some exercise.

4. Listen attentively- many times we as parents or caregivers are wrong, and need to listen to our child and determine the facts. Sometimes an apology on our part is in order. We can also discover a hidden agenda behind the anger and inappropriate behavior.

5. Stay In Control- no matter how severe the anger and behavior, do your very best to maintain your composure. Power struggles or threatening the child only adds fuel to the fire, and using intimidation backfires in the long run. Use positive and constructive language.

6. Focus On The Issue- deal with the actual circumstances, and don’t bring up past behaviors or events.

7. Keep Things In Perspective- no matter what’s going on, “this will also pass”. This is a temporary annoyance or inconvenience, and most likely not a life threatening situation. Save your energy for the big stuff.

8. Create An Anger Management Plan- plan ahead and rehearse mentally how you will deal with given situations, and be consistent in implementing your plan. Realize that you are looking to resolve the situation, and assist your child in creating new ways to manage and transform his or her anger.

9. Bring Closure To The Situation- once the drama has subsided, talk to your child calmly about what went on, give him or her a hug, and focus on solutions and creative strategies.

10. Seek Assistance As Needed- dependent on the situation you may need to seek out the support of friends, relatives or professionals. The good news is that help is available. There are local anger management classes, support groups, as well as professional counselors and therapists. When people are able to talk out their feelings with someone they trust, they are quite often able to get at the root of their anger, and thus feel better.

These are a few suggestions to get you started. Just remember to be consistent in your approach, and ask for help when needed.

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