Interrupting The Patterns Of Defiant Children

Be unpredictable

By mixing up the ways we communicate and act so the child doesn’t get the “usual” response, we alter the balance of power and put it in our favor. When we don’t reply as expected, our child is off balance, and that opens a window of opportunity to take control and move the conversation in our preferred direction. By being unpredictable, the child questions whether he or she really does have us figured out.

Change the subject abruptly

By changing the subject abruptly you also put a defiant child off balance and deflate the steam that has been built up. “I understand your concern, but right now we have to deal with ________ , and we’ll get back to your issue later.” Be concise, firm, assertive and calm while allowing your child space to integrate and then reply.

Exercise your “please power”

“Please” is a word that works wonders. Even when defiant children are the most resistant, adding “please” to your requests shows your child that you care. This indicates that you respect them for who they are, even though you won’t tolerate their behavior. Separating them from their behavior is important. Making them understand that they are exquisite, wonderful beings, in spite of their choices, reinforces this “truth,” to which they will vibrate at some level. Kids are great at separating the “real” from the “fake”.

Be willing to admit mistakes and apologize

Over the years, there have been times when I totally misinterpreted what was going on with a child, and was willing to admit my mistake and apologize. Every time, this had a positive impact on our relationship, and strengthened our bond. When a child sees you, as the adult, being willing to put pride aside and relinquish the need to be right, they will have a new respect for you. This is very powerful especially with defiant children.

Utilize the setting to your benefit

There will be times when a defiant attitude will pop up in public. This offers us the opportunity to be creative. One such instance comes to mind when, years ago, I was doing rehab work in residential treatment.

We were on a field trip on the coast and I was with another staff and six (6) children. We stopped to pick up some food at a store. One of the children, who was twelve (12) years old, insisted on buying candy, and I indicated that it was not an option at this time.

He immediately began to argue and continued to insist on purchasing the candy. I calmly said “no” one more time, and walked away. At this point, he decided to escalate his defiant behavior into a combination of crying, shouting, and jumping up and down in the middle of the aisle.

I made one (1) request to stop in a firm but calm voice, which he promptly ignored. At that point, I decided that since he chose to continue, we should all enjoy it. I walked up to him, and told him to go for it as I alerted the entire store of the episode in a loud voice, and invited the store patrons to come over and watch the “dance of defiance” that we were currently enjoying.

The child immediately turned red, stopped his tantrum, and followed all directives thereafter. After the incident, when he was calm, we discussed the importance of proper public behavior. I explained to him that my intent was not to embarrass him, but to get his attention since he was not following direction. This was a case of not resisting what was going on, but instead using it to de-escalate the situation, and provide a learning experience for the child.

So when dealing with defiant children be creative in breaking their focus and interrupting their patterns. Once you have their attention you can then guide and redirect. As with any strategy, this takes both patience and consistency.

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