Strategies For Child Communication

Here are some key points and strategies that can be used immediately to make a difference in our current interactions.

Recognize Our Own Emotional Baggage

When our emotions block us from being “present”, and dealing with what is currently happening, effective child communication is at a standstill. That being said, the first step is to be aware of these feelings, acknowledge them, and then continue to implement our strategy in a calm and assertive fashion. No need not to psychoanalyze ourselves; just realize that to communicate honestly and effectively, we need to deal with what is actually occurring right now in present time.

Take A Time-Out

When overwhelmed and frustrated, “Punt and Regroup”. In other words, let go of the need to immediately engage. Take a breath, relax, and then come back and deal with the situation. This of course is only relevant when there are no immediate safety concerns that necessitate immediate action.

Eliminate Judgment

Our purpose is to resolve the situation in a win-win fashion, and not get into a right/wrong scenario or power struggle. When asking your child a question that can be answered yes or no (a closed-ended question), there is no room for the child to give their own answer and fill in the blanks. An open-ended question will encourage them to share what’s going on.

“How was your recital today in drama class? Tell me about it.” Rather than, “Did you have a good recital?” You may have to follow up with a few more questions, but be persistent and honestly concerned. Give your child an opportunity to reflect, and think for themselves, rather than going immediately on autopilot with some insignificant remark. This shows that we trust their feelings and experience, and encourages them to do the same.

Get to know your child’s strengths and weaknesses, and what they value most. Speak to those values in order to create an environment of mutual trust and sharing. Even when you don’t agree with some of those values or interests, listen, learn and show genuine concern for their endeavors. This will set the stage for them feeling validated for what they think and believe, so that your communication will get through.

Actively Listen

Finally, active listening, without your own agenda, and not rehearsing what you will say next, is critical. Observe body language, and be attuned to what a child doesn’t say when asked specific, open-ended questions. This will help put the puzzle together of what is behind all of this anger and defiance.

Child communication requires being emotionally present with our child, willing to endure any conflict that arises (this is when a lot of important info is revealed), and speaking to their values without judgment. This allows us to be proactive in our interventions, and deal with the real causes of upsets, and not the fake excuses given or our own “pick them out of the hat” assumptions.

When we use proactive communication, we are often able to avoid escalation of heated situation, and provide a setting where the child is willing to open up and share the discomfort and frustration that they are experiencing. Click here to return to the Transforming Child Behavior Home page.

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